why i became a people pleaser

The patterns I didn’t recognize and how they shaped the way I showed up in relationships.

I wouldn’t have been able to describe it at the time…but it took me years to realize that I’d been disappearing in plain sight; something like wearing the cloak of invisibility (nod to all you Harry Potter fans out there!).

For most of my life—nearly 50 years—I’ve been a people-pleaser. It started when I was very little and followed me into adulthood.

As an adult, I’ve been able to look back and understand the when and the why. And in many ways, it makes sense. But by the time I could see it clearly, it had already taken such deep root in me that it shaped how I related to people, how I made decisions, and how I showed up in relationships.

When I was young, people-pleasing wasn’t a personality trait… it was survival.

I’ve also shared this part of the story on YouTube, for those who prefer to listen or watch:

If this resonates with you, I’d love to have you there as well.

Somewhere along the way, what once protected me became something I believed I still needed to hold onto. And without even realizing it, I became very good at being who I thought others wanted me to be.

I can’t tell you how many times that pattern led me into choices I knew were wrong—the clearly “thou shalt not” kind of choices—or decisions I made that were driven by fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear that I might lose love if I didn’t comply, agree, or keep the peace.

So I became generous with my “yes,” giving it away to whoever asked—or demanded—because “yes” felt easy, and “no” felt selfish.

I avoided hard conversations.
I stayed quiet when I should have spoken.
I allowed things I knew weren’t right.

And over time, I began to confuse permissiveness with goodness—with being a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife.

But that wasn’t generosity.

There’s a history behind this I’m only beginning to understand. And the deeper I look, the more I can see how much of my life has been shaped by the need to keep love from leaving me.

This is Part 1 of a 3-part series.

If you’d like to read the full story from beginning to end, you can find it here: the life i built to keep love from leaving