enough now

The following post comes from the reading I gave during the memorial service held for Michael on August 2. In my mind, I went back and forth on whether or not I was going to speak; in my heart, I knew that I wanted to say something that would tell a bit of our story as a couple and also tie in a small message about Michael’s faith and my trust in the Lord. I pray that something in these words touches you in a way that leads you closer to the One who is as close to you as the breath in your mouth.

When Michael and I began our relationship over 23 years ago, it was some months before we realized that we were in way over our heads; months filled with the excitement of finding love and beginning a new relationship were coupled with the realization that neither of us were emotionally ready to cannonball into the deep end of the pool. But, fear of rejection being the mean kid who forces you off the high dive by blocking the stairs, jump in we did and, in fact, some of you here today were witness to the emotional wreckage that ensued over the next several years, none more so than our children, and it wasn’t until I was 7 months pregnant with Daniel that we fully committed to reconciling and saving our marriage.

Now, from the time of our marriage in 2004 and up until 2011, I hadn’t changed my name from Sommerville – my married name from my first husband – to Magana. So…not fully committed on my part. Michael was very generous in this, never making it an issue between us. I would tell myself that taking Michael’s name would be like saying goodbye to Jeff all over again and I didn’t want to deal with the emotions that would evoke. Plus, in all honesty, there was always a little niggle in the back of my mind that Michael would hurt my heart again in some way that would be unforgivable. The bottom line was that I wasn’t trusting the work that God was doing in him nor in the ways that he was becoming the man that God had created him to be. I wasn’t surrendered to the miracle that was happening in our life.

Back to 2011. Our daughter and I were at a weekend woman’s retreat of which the theme was “Enough”; namely, I’m enough, and one of the exercises during the weekend was to spend time alone with God and ask Him if there was a particular name that He called us. I think I sat down at a little table on the grounds and, not setting any store into this exercise and feeling a bit foolish into the bargain, I went into prayer and asked, “Lord, who do you call me?” Immediately He answered and I heard it as clearly as you’re hearing me now, He said, “Annalea Magana!”

That night, there was an opportunity for anyone who wanted to share their particular result from that question or about what the theme of the retreat had meant to them. I remember one woman sharing that, for her, she’d realized that she was a good enough wife and mother – no need to keep trying to be a version of herself that she couldn’t maintain. Another woman said she’d discovered that she had enough in her life to keep her satisfied and didn’t need to continuously add more which just lead to her feeling overwhelmed. When I got up to share, I told my story about the name God told me and that I’d realized what He was really telling me was, “enough now, enough.” Enough withholding, enough living in fear, enough trying to control another person or an outcome. Enough of not trusting my heart with Michael and my future with God.

The day after we got back from the retreat and unbeknownst to Michael, I immediately went about the process of changing my name from Annalea Sommerville to Annalea Magana. A few weeks later, Michael and I were having breakfast when I pushed a little envelope across the table toward him that he opened and when he understood what he was looking at, burst into tears over. I don’t think either of us realized how important that BIG little change really was.

I believe that everyone here has an “enough now” story they could share. A time when you realized that you’d had enough of a particular situation or person – like a job or a boss. Enough of overthinking every single situation or outcome. Enough of living a lie. Enough of being a doormat or a people pleaser. Enough of letting your own life get in the way of moving forward into something better and bigger than you could only imagine but didn’t think you deserved. I could go on because the words “enough now” can be applied to so many situations in life that are most always rooted in pride and fear.

It's those two words that meant everything not just to me, but also to Michael when it came to living rightly related to God. He loved Him deeply and without reservation and wanted everyone to experience the profound joy in this life that comes with knowing God as their Lord and Savior. That said, every one of you here today has been prayed for by several people over the last couple of weeks. For those of you who are already believers, the prayer has been that you would deepen your relationship with Him, leaning further into His grace and love than ever before. For those of you who believe but have a lukewarm relationship with Him, the prayer has been that you would see and encounter God in an undeniable way such that you would begin to earnestly seek Him with the innocence of a child. And for those of you who don’t believe in Him, that you would have a moment of coming to the end of yourself, of realizing that the only way to move through life is to fully surrender yourself to the One who called you by name before the foundations of the earth were spoken into existence and who willingly gave His life for you. Jesus Christ.

Losing Michael has been heartbreaking on every level, there’s no softer way to say it, and many of the people I’ve spoken with over the last couple of weeks have all commented on my strength, peace, and faith.  My response to them all has been, “You’re seeing God, not me,” because I couldn’t have drawn even one breath without Him for the ache in my heart. It’s because I surrendered everything to Him. It’s because I believe that His plan for Michael’s life was perfect and that the purpose He had for Michael was completed. It’s because He said, “Enough now, Annalea Magana.” And He was right.

p.s. Should you want to watch the memorial service, you may do so by clicking the link in the first paragraph of this post.