blessed assurance

Life is a beautiful and mercurial mistress.  She runs hot and cold, flatters and cajoles, occasionally criticizes your very existence, and promises to give you the moon and the stars all the while harboring life-altering bombshells that she gleefully lobs your way when you least expect them. 

Some of you reading this may know that I lost my first husband to cancer in 2001.  As these things can go, we were completely blindsided by the severity of the diagnosis and the hopelessness of the prognosis. I don’t believe anyone is ever ready for such realities even when you know - in some deep recess of your mind which you never want to actually visit – that something so dire could occur in your life. You see it happen to others from afar or hear about someone who knows someone who’s uncle just got diagnosed with something terrible.

But then it shows up at your doorstep and you’re moving through each day trying to breathe and form coherent sentences and, quite frankly, just hoping to keep your shit together; shaking your fist at God for the unfairness of it all and hitting your knees, praying for a miracle.  

Never in a million years could I have imagined that time in my life happening and never in a million years would I think to find myself in that place again; another husband…another cancer diagnosis.

The thing is, no one corners the market on sorrow – at some point and in some way, it will touch us all: addiction, divorce, natural disasters, persecution, injuries, a devastating diagnosis, abuse, job loss, foreclosure, a prodigal child, death; et al, ad infinitum.  Why, you might ask?  It’s definitely not because God is out to get us or that He withholds good things from us.  On the contrary, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

It’s because we live in a fallen world that such things can and do touch our lives. In John 16:33, Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.” Years ago, Michael and I were struggling in our marriage, and I was given this advice from our pastor at the time:  Don’t let your circumstances steal your joy.  Can I just tell you how much said “advice” irritated me at that time?  I was completely dumbfounded that after everything I’d told him; his only response was that little sentence.  I’m not ashamed to tell you that it took me years to fully understand and appreciate his words and to discover that he was SO right!  I’m responsible for my joy!  Not my circumstances, not the actions or words of another, not a diagnosis.  How I move through those things is up to me.   This isn’t adopting a Pollyanna attitude or a matter of putting my head in the sand. This is choosing to keep my eyes on Jesus at all times and in all things. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and completed, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4

So here I am, wind whipping around me, waves crashing against my boat, thunder booming in my ears and Jesus calling me to meet Him on the water.  I’d like to say that I’ve jumped right out and run straight towards Him, with gleeful abandon, but that wouldn’t be true.  Many times, especially in this last month, I’ve taken my eyes off of Him for just a moment and started sinking and, every time, He’s reached down into the water and pulled me up, gasping and retching, and drawn me into the safety of His arms time and time again.  Blessed assurance.

When my first husband and I were given a prognosis for his life, that’s all I would think about every day and it colored how I contemplated our future.  This time, as a family, we’ve chosen not to know Michael’s prognosis.  Besides, well-meaning as they are, the doctors can only look at the type of cancer he has and how it’s presenting in him and what stage it’s in, etc., and offer their best educated guess which is only that – a guess.  Instead, as believers, we’re resting in God’s prognosis for all of our lives whether we’re on this earth for 5 more days or 30 more years: eternity in heaven with our Heavenly Father.  The BEST and SUREST prognosis of all!